Would you love to know how you can gain better perspective in any situation?
I’m here to tell you that it is possible and it’s a lot simpler than you may think.
We all find ourselves in situations where we may disagree with other people, and 9 times out of 10 when we’re in these situations we see things differently. We see things differently from the other person because of our map of the world, how we see things, our beliefs, our values and the experiences we’ve had in our life up until that point.
So today I want to give you a quick NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) technique that I use in my practice, to help you be able to see things from other people’s point of view, so you can put yourself in other people’s shoes in any situation. I call this the three pillars of perspective (also known as Perceptual Positions). You can physically do this and practice this technique over an over in preparation for when you find yourself in any given situation.
To start off with, there are three positions in the three pillars of perspective, position one, is you. That’s your position within any given situation or conversation, second position is the person you may be having that discussion with, It could be a situation at work, it could be something in your personal life, business, any given situation. A lot of the time you will find that this could be a 1 on 1 conversation, and you’re unable to see somebody else’s point of view. The third position, you are going to become a neutral participant within the conversation. You’re going to be the person who looks on the situation as an outsider, from a totally neutral perspective.
So how does it work?
To begin with, you can set up three different chairs in your living room, kitchen, at work in a conference room, wherever you happen to be. You can do this by yourself, you can also help your colleagues and employees do this, so when they’re in negotiations and communicating with other members of staff, or they’re trying to close a deal, any of those kinds of things, you can use this. Practise with them regularly.
Position 1 – Start off sitting in the first person’s chair so at this point you’re looking at things from your own perspective. Close your eyes and think of a situation that you may have found yourself in recently where you’re having a conversation, and the perspectives have been different, think back to the conversation that you were having and picture exactly what happened, what was said? How did you see things? How did the conversation go through your own eyes? Sit with that for a moment. Then I want you to do what we call in NLP which is break that state. So, open your eyes, think of something totally different, outside of the conversation, it might be what you’re having for dinner. It might be what your next meeting is. Just think about something entirely different.
And at that point, pick yourself up and move over to another chair, and this chair will be the second position.
Position 2 – Now you’re the other person in the conversation. When you’re ready, sit in that chair, close your eyes and put yourself in that person’s situation. Go back to the conversation, but this time you’re looking at it from the other persons. How did they see it? Imagine the situation from that person’s point of view, imagine stepping into their body and becoming them, and looking at you through their eyes, through their perspective and think back to what was said. What is their understanding of the situation? How did they see you and your actions in this situation? Once you’ve done that, open your eyes and break state again.
Now move to the third person’s chair.
Position 3 – Now you become the neutral third person. We are now the objective outsider. This person is somebody that you respect, somebody that you admire, somebody that you trust. We’re looking through their eyes now and seeing their perspective. Imagine that you’re watching this like a ‘fly on the wall’. Now it’s helpful here to picture yourself, to close your eyes and picture yourself as looking down on the conversation. We call ‘the helicopter view’, so you’re looking down on the conversation of these two people. You’re looking at something from a completely outside point of view and I want you to ask yourself these questions. How are these two people acting? Are they being fair to one another? Are they actively listening to what the other person is saying? Is the way that they are behaving, or the way that this conversation is going resolving anything or coming up with any plan or solution? Is one person being more dominant than the other.? What advice would you as that outside perspective, give both of these people to help them work out their differences?
Once you’ve done that, break state, again.
This is such a powerful tool to enable you to step into other people’s shoes, to see their perspective, but also step outside of the situation altogether and look in from a completely different viewpoint, because 9 times out of 10, that will help you to come up with resolutions and totally different answers to the ones that you were coming up with before when you’re only looking at something from your perspective.
It’s incredibly useful in life, your career and even in business for any situation you may find yourself in.
After doing this exercise, take a few minutes just to write down those different perspectives, write down what came out of that. What did you learn about yourself having done it? What did you learn about the other person? How do you want to move forward from here?
Like I said, this is a really great and very simple exercise that you can practice either yourself, with family members, with friends, with colleagues, so that you can deal with Conflict better and get better results for yourself and others.
Faye Cox Coaching – BELIEVING IN YOU UNTIL YOU DO TOO! If you’d like some support so you too can start believing in yourself, you can have a chat with me here
You can also subscribe to my You-Tube Channel where I release a brand new video each week talking about gaining perspective, limiting beliefs, changing the way you think and much more….
“Change your thoughts to change your life!”
Now you might be surprised at how often during the day you focus on a negative thought. The average person has 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. So it’s no surprise that this can get out of hand pretty quickly.
The best thing you can do to stop negative thoughts, is try and become more aware of those times that you are thinking in a negative manner.
Your life is a reflection of everything you have programmed into your mind over the course of your life up until now. You have been programmed, every second of every day from the very minute that you are born. You’re being programmed with both your internal thoughts, and your external thoughts. Those internal thoughts are the ones that drive you. And in a nutshell, you are what you think you are.
Now your unconscious beliefs and thought patterns, literally shape the whole world around you, each and every second. Much like a broken record, your thoughts get stuck on what your problems are. And you can then lose the ability to break out of this negative cycle. This never ending cycle becomes your way of life. So you literally think yourself into creation. This then becomes the song that you sing, and the dance that you dance when you’re stuck in a cycle of despair. When we’re stuck in this cycle, all we can really do and all you’re actually really doing is expanding the presence and giving more power to that despair. You’re tightening its grip on you until it gets to a point where your mind is controlling you, when what we want to do is we want to totally flip it so that you are in control of your mind.
That brings me nicely on to my five quick tips to help you change your thoughts – You can watch the video here!
Tip 1 – Is to identify those automatic negative thoughts that keep coming up again and again. Because your thoughts are directly linked to your feelings and your behaviours as a result of those feelings. So, your thoughts influence how you feel, which influences how you behave, so listening and writing down your negative thought patterns can help increase your awareness. The very first step to anything we do is becoming more aware and writing things down so we’re getting them out of our minds and onto paper. It’s one of the simplest but most effective ways that we can bring these thoughts in to your awareness. So list down those thoughts that keep coming up for you, just simply write them down.
Tip 2 – Is explore the cause of that negative thought process or pattern. These could even relate to your childhood. This could be stuff that has been programmed from such a young age, potentially from your parents. Your parents have always wanted to protect you so there will be certain things that they would have said to you when you were younger, such as, don’t talk to strangers, we all get taught stranger danger when we are younger and that keeps us safe, and it’s really really important to know that as children. But as we enter our adult lives and we start to go out and about and we start to meet new people, we start a new job, we’re in business and go networking or we’re wanting to build a wider circle of friends, we have to start getting comfortable with talking to people we don’t know. And this completely goes against that belief that we have been taught not to speak to strangers. And there’s so many different things like that, so we need to catch these thoughts to become aware of them to explore where they come from.
Tip 3 – Is to keep a record of those negative thoughts and try and come up with words or phrases that counteract it. So if we go back to where we might say you can’t do something. In my house, I teach my children not to use the words, I can’t, because the evidence shows that every time they tell themselves they can’t do something, there will have been another time when they have said it and proved themselves wrong and this happens every time, so now we use ‘I’ll give it a go‘ because let’s face it, how do we know if we can do something or not, unless we give it a go. I don’t tend to use the words I’ll try because I find that a bit wishy washy. But if I say to myself or my children say to themselves, I’ll give it a go. It makes you feel good, it’s an empowering kind of statement, it totally changes your state, and how you feel about something than saying, I can’t.
Tip 4 – is to use a tool such as NLP, or affirmations to help you think more positively. Now, through my series of videos, all of the videos that I create, are all to do with using my coaching and NLP techniques so if you subscribe to my You Tube channel to watch all my other videos, you’ll start to learn a lot more of these techniques to help you create more success in life but also to help you change the way you think and start believing in yourself more. List at least 10 negative thoughts that you’re having a day. This takes a little bit of time but as does everything. If you want anything to change. You have to practice. Repetition Repetition Repetition, the brain loves repetition. Now turn those thoughts on their head and creating a statement that better supports you .
Tip 5 – is chunking or breaking large amounts of information down into smaller pieces. Now sometimes our negative thoughts can be big thoughts they can be those ones that are ingrained from years and years of that negative repetition. And in order to reframe them and change them into a more positive, we may have to chunk them down. It’s like with any goal or anything that we’re trying to achieve, if you try and deal with something that is too big, all in one go. You’re going to get to a point where you’re banging your head against a brick wall, you’ll feel like you’re failing and can’t do it It sends you into overwhelm, so rather than carrying on and dealing with it. You give up. So, pick that bigger thought apart into smaller ones and deal with those smaller ones. Once you’ve done that you can chunk it back up, so that you can see the bigger picture of what it was that’s going on.
Practice these tips often until it becomes so natural that you can do it automatically in minutes. Use a journal to help if needs be. I have my own personal journal that you can purchase here.
Faye Cox Coaching – BELIEVING IN YOU UNTIL YOU DO TOO! If you’d like some support so you too can start believing in yourself, you can have a chat with me here
When I speak to people about Personal Development, they automatically assume that I’m talking out deep diving in their inner world and digging out their limiting beliefs and baggage.
Although this is something that I do work on, Personal Development can do so much more.
So, here are my top benefits to starting your personal development journey today.
Now the first one is increased earning potential. Now who out there, doesn’t want to be earning more money, whether that be in their own business, in the corporate world, or in general in anything that you are looking to be achieve.
The second one is standing out from the crowd, now working on your own personal development, looking at your own personal values, your goals and boundaries. Getting all that set-in place and starting on that journey will help you stand out from the crowd because it will assist with Confidence building.
That brings us on to improving confidence. Now I think we can all be honest and say that we’d all like a little bit more confidence. We may have confidence in certain areas, because we’re used to doing things. We may lack that confidence in other areas where we need to learn a little bit more, where we haven’t done things for as long as those other things. So, I think there’s always room to increase confidence, and going on your personal development journey will increase that confidence in any area, your life or your business, or whether or in general, increasing your self-belief. Now for me, increasing my self-belief was one of the key things to me looking at when I decided to embark on my professional and personal development journey. Before I started there is no way I would be doing half the things I’m now doing, like creating You Tube channel, being visible in my business or being totally true to myself. So having done that myself, it’s one of the reasons I’m here talking to you about it now.
I know that most people will agree that they’d like to improve their relationships. Now whether that relationship be with a partner, your children, any other family members, friends, or even more importantly, which is the first and foremost relationship we have, and that is the relationship we have with ourselves. So, in order to improve those relationships, we need to improve our communication with ourselves and others and personal development can help you with that.
I think you will agree that we all want to be healthier and happier. When you look at yourself and you start to go in and look at those things such as those beliefs that you may have that you may want to get rid of, when you look at how you want to move forward in life. What do you want to take with you? What are the things you want to change in life?
Change is difficult.
We all find change a little bit scary, but once you start making those changes, more changes become a lot easier, which ties back into gaining confidence. I speak to a lot of people who talk about eating healthier, talking about being healthier, wanting to be happy, but then not taking those first steps to achieving it. There’s a lot of talking the talk but not walking the walk, and when you start to walk the walk, that’s when everything changes for you.
And finally, discovering your true values and your true purpose, what is it that you are here to do? What were you put on this planet to do? Now I know there are people out there who are already living their purpose, their career is everything they’ve always wanted to do. They wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. They feel empowered by it, they’re still fulfilled.
But there are a lot of people out there and I was definitely one of those people who was just going to work, I was just doing the do all of the time, and I came to a point in my life where I felt totally unfulfilled, and I’ll be completely honest, this was after I had my own children, that I sort of realised there must be more to life than this, and that’s when I started my own journey, and that’s how I became a Coach, because I looked at my true values, who I really was, what I was here to do, and it came so naturally, which again comes back into that self-belief and confidence. When we look at this all as a whole, these benefits of personal development all feed into one another.
If you’ve been thinking about going on your own Personal Development journey and would like some help to get started, you can give me a call or drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
You can also check out my You Tube channel where you’ll find my Personal Development video and other useful tips and tools.
I was stuck, so stuck that I felt like I was sitting on the Merry go round getting dizzy, unable to get off, feeling sick and wondering if I was the only one. Thinking, there must be more to life than this!
I’d just found out that my current employer wasn’t going to accept my flexible working request, despite having accepted it when I had my first child. I was 37 and coming to the end of my maternity leave with my second child. I was looking to work 3 days in the office and 1 day from home, which was feasible, I’d done it in the past and it had gone well, at least I had thought so. But when my request was rejected, one of the reasons was that it hadn’t worked before – news to me!!
I didn’t go without a fight. I was the first to ever ask for flexible working after having children. It was a male dominated industry at the time and no-one else had any children.
So, I was left with two young children and no job to return to and I began to feel my self worth plummet. I started to feel like ‘just mum’. I’d been employed full time since I was 16. I had no idea what it was like to not work. It felt scary, but at the same time I was relieved that I hadn’t given in to being forced back in to full-time employment when I wanted to be there for my children too.
I wondered if it was true, what I’d been told, that you can’t have both! You can’t have a successful career and have children! I’d heard this time and time again and seen it happen over and over.
I remember having dinner with a friend, who I had worked with in PR and she mentioned to me about starting my own business and that I could run my own Virtual Assistant business with all the skills and knowledge I had. I was very hesitant. I’d tried some of the direct selling businesses and it hadn’t been for me, so I wondered if this would be either. I was used to being held accountable, to being guided and given work. I didn’t consider myself to be someone who could be motivated enough to get up every day and do it for myself. I imagined myself putting everything off all the time and watching daytime TV. After all whilst I was on maternity I did a lot of this, along with snoozing and living in my tracky b’s.
For a while I ignore the nagging thoughts in my mind that there must be more to life, that having kids surely didn’t mean this was the end of me as an individual person, that in fact it wasn’t true that after kids you stayed home, or got a 3 day a week local job that gave zero satisfaction apart from money at the end of the month!
I realised that I wanted more
I had worked for years, building up my experience, being really good at what I did. Every job I’d ever really wanted I had got. I wanted to feel valued again, my self-worth was plummeting fast and I was beginning to lose belief in myself. That I could even be anything more than a mum.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my children. They are without doubt the best thing that ever happened to me and I wanted to be with them. My mum guilt at this point was also high. I’d wanted children for so long and now I had them, I still wanted more! I began to question why? I started to believe that I was ungrateful and I was wrong for wanting more. I come from a childhood where you get what you’re given and asking for more was a definite no, so my limiting beliefs kicked in and as a result I put off doing anything.
Instead, I started applying for local part-time jobs in schools, estate agents and any other local company looking for part-time staff. I had zero success. I had always been really employable, but here I was 38 with two young children and all of a sudden no-one was coming back to me, no-one was interested! I couldn’t work out why and my self-belief hit a new low!
They were right. Everything I’d been told as I’d grown up was true. When I’d worked in recruitment for a short while, my boss had even said “employers look for women under 30, because they know shortly after that they’ll be looking to have kids and then they’ll be a liability” and those words ran through my mind. I was destined to struggle and settle for whatever was coming and I was to stay on the merry go around forever wondering what if!!!
Then one day, when I was feeling particularly BLAH about it all, I spoke to my dad about what my friend had said that day about doing it for myself. My dad had run his own IT business for 10 years, and he asked me ‘what have you got to lose?’ And he was right. I had absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.
3 months later I was in business!! I could hardly believe it. I’d done it. I’d gone for it and I was doing it.
I was massively out of my comfort zone. I had no idea what networking was, I’d heard of a business plan but the thought of having one seemed way too grown up for me. I’d never considered myself the BOSS before and although I came from a media and PR background, marketing myself was scary as hell. I come from a ‘children should be seen a not heard’ background. The one where going to a restaurant meant being quiet and sitting perfectly still. How on earth was I going to put myself out there. Telling people to work with me because I am brilliant at what I do was a huge stumbling block – again my conditioning was ‘not to show off’ no-one wants to hear about that’ the list goes on.
I loved being in business though. I was already enjoying being my own boss, making my own decisions and the feeling of being a proper valued adult again!
I learnt so much in my first year. The biggest thing I learnt was that my purpose was not what I was doing. The real Faye was a problem solver. The girl everyone goes to when they have a problem. The friend who’s always there to rationalise and help people think differently. I was destined to take a different path,
so I embarked on my own journey. I had always been a bit of a negative Nelly, my whole life. Critical and quick to jump in with a reason not to do something. I was very cautious and risk taking was never for me. Cue that conditioning again.
I started by asking my friends to describe me in 3 words and they came back with, good listener, loyal, always there, voice of reason etc. And all of these matched what I already knew, so I took a leap of faith again. This was all so unlike me, and I enrolled in my Coaching training and not only did this take me on my own mindset journey, it also gave me the skills, knowledge and qualifications to help others do the same and I’ve never looked back!
My journey is on going and as a result I have even more qualifications, more than I ever achieved at school. School wasn’t for me!
I now regularly step out of my comfort zone. Remember I lived here for years, keeping myself stuck in fear. Living the what if life!! I am now more positive Patsy then negative Nelly. I still live in the what if, only now it’s what if it works, what if I can…..and as a result my business is going from strength to strength. I am now fully in alignment with myself and my business is fully aligned with the life I want to create for myself and my family.
If my story resonates with you. If you want to fully align yourself with who you’re meant to be or you’re in business, but just not getting where you want to be, let’s have a chat.
Recently, I have suffered with a strong bout of anxiety. Due to a couple of events happening that have been accumulating to create the anxiety I experienced. Most people who generally don’t suffer with anxiety or recognise their own anxiety think that anxiety looks like chaos. They think it tends to be when people are acting chaotic, all over the place and up in the air or loud, but this is so often, not the case at all.
There are those who suffer and it shows externally and those who suffer and become withdrawn as a result and hide it internally.
When there’s too much going on
For me, there has been a lot going on recently with family, running a business, working with vulnerable teenagers, being a mum, being a wife and juggling the whole thing. Over the last month, I’ve been up and down from the hospital to see my dad who had major surgery. The journey to the hospital was an hour and then another hour back. My visiting times, a couple of hours at a time two or three times a week. This has been both mentally and physically exhausting. Even though you don’t think about it at the time, you get on with it and do what you’ve got to do.
On top of that, I’ve been trying to keep things as normal as possible. I’ve been doing a huge amount of work on myself and I have been investing in myself and my business heavily since the beginning of this year.
Working with vulnerable teenagers
I’ve been working with vulnerable teenagers since last September and sometimes that can be very challenging, although extremely rewarding. In the last month things have started to really get on top of me. My self-care hasn’t been as good as it should be, because I’ve been working on so many other areas.
Well this week. My dad came out of hospital after a month and the relief, as you can imagine, brought its own anxieties and emotions. Along with that, I made a mistake at the college, which ordinarily in isolation wasn’t that bad, but where everything else has been going on my mind decided to take this mistake, blow it massively out of proportion, get myself in a place where I was in tears. I got really emotional about it and couldn’t see the wood for the trees.
I went into college the next day, and I totally withdrew. I’ve taken time to recognise the fact that I was in this place of anxiety and to recognise how my anxiety affects me and how I deal with it around others. This is the first time I have fully been aware of my behaviour when in a state of anxiety, but as a result I can deal with it better using the techniques and strategies I have in my Coaching and CBT toolbox.
Recognising my own anxiety behaviours
I realised that I totally withdraw. I become very quiet, loud noise is something that I just can’t deal with. I can’t tolerate people talking about other people or bragging about themselves. I get super sensitive and I totally shut down anything external whilst I’m dealing with what’s going on inside my head.
Now this used to last for weeks or months until I worked out my own strategies for dealing with it. I now use the ‘accept, allow and let go’ strategy.
Firstly, I accept that I’m in this emotion and I have this feeling and this is what’s going on. I don’t try and fight it anymore. I accept it. I then allow myself. 24, hours to have the feeling, be comfortable with the feeling and work out how to separate the facts of what’s happened from the emotions I’m feeling.
After I’ve done that, I then make sure I go and do something for myself, whether it’s going to the gym and going for a run. I find running is great for me It just gets rid of all that negative energy.
Sometimes it’s whilst I’m running and sometimes it’s after, and if there is something particularly going on I will cry for the next few days for what feels like no reason at all, but this is my body’s way of getting rid of all the negative energy that I’ve been storing up.
After that. I’m ready to go again. And by doing that, I am able to let go so much quicker than I used to.
Talking about the taboo
If I’m completely honest, If you’d asked me years ago if I suffered from anxiety I would have told you DEFINITELY NOT. I never would have admitted that I suffered from anything let alone something that people consider a taboo subject.
I truly believe that everybody suffers with anxiety, at some point, in some form, to some level. It’s just whether we recognise that that’s what it is, whether we’re ready to accept it, and whether we’re ready to put the strategies in place in order for us to manage these feelings and be able to deal with them and move forward.
So, with that in mind, please remember that somebody may be suffering right now. Somebody may have withdrawn. Somebody may be very quiet. Somebody may be the complete opposite. Because the opposite to that is that somebody may become louder than usual. They may become more erratic. You may feel like they’re just seeking attention. This is all part of how they’re feeling and how their anxiety may have taken hold. Some people feel a stronger need for control, as they don’t feel in control of their thoughts and emotions, so they project externally on to others.
They may not even recognise that’s what’s happening to them. So be kind. If somebody that you know, somebody you work with, live with, are friends with is showing either of these signs or emotions, just check in with them. Find out if they’re OK. Offer them someone to talk to.
I had somebody at the college this week, who I get along very well with, we understand each other really well and we know when something’s not quite right and she’s been amazing. This week, she’s checked in on me. She’s made sure I’m OK. She’s given me a bit of a talking to. The same talking to the I would give her if she was in the same situation.
We all need support
We all need support and sometimes that support comes from people that you don’t necessarily expect it to straight away.
We all need to look after each other, be more open with our own feelings and what we’re going through, because you will be surprised where that support may come from.
If you feel like you might need help with anxiety, if you need some strategies and techniques to help you manage it, I’m always happy to have a chat.
I offer a 30-minute clarity call where I can give you a strategy straight away to help you begin to manage those more difficult days.
Please don’t suffer in silence.
Book your call here
Believe it or not, it is within your power to create positive thoughts allowing you to accomplish anything you set out to do.
Can you really think yourself happy?
The answer is a qualified YES. Here are the ways in which positive thoughts can help you accomplish so many things in life.
Positive thoughts give positive results. We can either accept our situation, or we can change it. We can be negative about an event or we can be positive. President Lincoln once said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
If you really want to think yourself happy, then make up your mind to do so. It may be difficult to think happy in a world filled with hatred,violence, stresses and anxieties. But it’s definitely not impossible. One person, one idea, one positive thought can change everything.
How, then, can we make ourselves happy?
By being a constant reminder to others that there is goodness in the world!
Here are 12 examples of way we can create our own happiness;
* Seek out positive people to associate ourselves with.
* Expose yourself to all the wonderful books, music and movies available.
* Find the one important thing in your life that’s important, and pursue it.
* Show kindness and respect towards others.
* Live life as if every day is your last.
* Use positive reinforcement wherever and whenever you can.
* Use visualization methods to view the positive aspects of life.
* Speak in a positive tone.
* Gain control over your negative thinking patterns.
* Let your expectations reflect your positive attitude.
* Allow peace of mind to engulf you.
* Become your own best friend.
Your happiness is not the responsibility of your parents, friends, partners or children. Your happiness is your responsibility. You are the creator of your own life.
IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU!
If you need any help creating better, healthier thoughts, behaviours or emotions to move yourself towards success you book your FREE Discovery Call or take a look at the services we offer here. Using the FLOAT system we take our clients from Chaos to Calm in both life and business and help you to create the success you deserve.