by Faye Cox | Sep 26, 2023 | Anxiety, Coaching, NLP, Parents, Stress, Teens, Wellbeing
What is Anxiety?
Everyone experiences feelings of worry from time to time. In fact worry is a natural response to the pressure of daily life and its our brains way of letting us know that something needs our attention. We can actually use our worry to our advantage when we’re doing something that we’re passionate about or something that is of risk, but that is a positive and calculated one.
In today’s hectic and constantly busy world it’s no surprise that people are experiencing more worry. Mainstream and social media play a big part in today’s constant feeling that a threat is just around every corner. The fact that our children and young people are increasingly more exposed to ‘perceived’ danger can become all consuming for their underdeveloped brains to cope with.
As humans we are conditioned to look out for threats, just as we did in the caveman days when the biggest threat was being attacked by a bear. As we’ve evolved our brains are still programmed to look out for the ‘Bear’, only 9 times out of 10 there isn’t one, but our minds cannot tell the difference between a perceived threat and a real one so we can become overly worried about something that isn’t real even though it emotionally and physically feels like it is. The good thing here is that we can use that to change the way we think of things and enable us to thank the bear for coming to keep us safe, but that he’s not actually needed here and can move aside.
Signs of Child and Teenage Anxiety
As parents it can be difficult to spot the signs of child and teenage anxiety so here are the most common:
- Lack of eye contact (this is a sign that they are shutting down emotionally)
- Shoulder shrugging when being spoken to (this is a sign that the brain is overwhelmed)
- Inability to focus (due to the anxiety becoming all consuming)
- Headaches and stomach aches (these are physical symptoms that anxiety is present)
- Tiredness (another sign that they are shutting down emotionally and physically)
- Feelings of sadness (due to not being able to understand what’s happening)
- Challenging behaviour (down to them not having the skills yet to communicate their fears)
- Rudeness (the logic part of the brain has gone off line and again they are struggling to understand and communicate their fears)
- Panic attacks (this happens when they can no longer control the physical and emotional symptoms and their anxiety has fully taken over)
The Fight, Flight, Freeze response
The above signs are a result of your child or young person entering what we call the ‘fight, flight, freeze response’ (FFF for short). Becoming aware of which response is their go to one, can be incredibly useful to both you and them. Becoming aware of your own is also key for you being able to regulate yourself when things get tough for your child or young person.
For simplicity let’s use the example of the BEAR in terms of how you deal with it when each of the FFF responses are switched on.
Fight – Speaks for itself really as you will want to fight the bear when this response is triggered
Flight – Again it’s quite self explanatory as when this response is switched on you will want to run from the BEAR
Freeze – In this response you will want to hide from the BEAR. Like a chameleon, you may want to blend in and disguise yourself so the bear can’t see you.
It’s very natural to enter all 3 responses. For example, you may initially fight and then freeze, or fight and then flee, or flee and then freeze. However, we tend to have an initial go to response in the first instance which is a tell tale sign that the response has been triggered.
In terms of school, this can lead to avoidance of either people, places or situations that are triggering one of these responses.
What can parents do to help Teenage Anxiety?
Another difficulty for parents can be that their child or young person may not be able to express how they feel. Parents need to feel comfortable really listening to what is being said and to remain curious when speaking to their child or young person about their feelings. Parents also need to know how to model healthy regulation of their own emotions which can be hard for some, particularly if this wasn’t modelled for them as a child.
When a young person reaches secondary school age they may be able to recognise their own feelings, but are still unable or unwilling to discuss them. The human brain is not fully developed until around 25 years of age and up until that point we live primarily in our emotional brain, and when our young people hit puberty there is a development surge in the brain which can cause A LOT of big emotions that as adults we see as over-reacting, but to our young people this is very REAL and often a scary and confusing time.
Allowing a space for your child or young person to turn to where they know they will be fully seen and heard is incredibly powerful. They don’t always want you to fix their worries. Quite often they just want you to sit in their worry with them for a while whilst they work it out for themselves.
If you found this article and teenage anxiety helpful you may like to visit the online shop or digital download pages on the website for more helpful resources to further support your child or teenager with anxiety.
by Faye Cox | Mar 15, 2023 | Anxiety, Coaching, Parents, Stress, Teens, Wellbeing
Wonderful things happen when you switch off from the noise of the outer word and focus on connecting with your teenager.
Having put in a boundary (these are so important through the tween & teen years) around phone and social media usage of an evening, our family is learning to better communicate and having some great discussions and openly talking around our day and the issues and even the good parts of the girls school day experiences.
Friendships and Social Media
Both girls have been having some issues around friendships and social media. Tell me a young girl who hasn’t! and they have been learning some tough life lessons on what’s right and wrong and what’s appropriate and not appropriate and what the consequences are of certain actions, not just for them but for those around them also.
Any woman will tell you that female friendships are incredibly complex at the best of times. Throw in 24/7 access and keyboard warrior bravery and you’ve got one hell of a pressure cooker going on inside a young girls head. A young girl who is new to navigating this level of pressure and who is only just starting to make sense of herself and the world around her.
Our girls are learning that their human brains are not designed to be ‘switched on’ all the time, that they’re not built for 24/7 access and that this is causing stress and anxiety as they are being exposed to what people are doing, thinking and how people are behaving towards them and others around the clock. They’re realising that it’s exhausting and that it’s affecting their mental health.
Validating their feelings
In one of our chats in my eldest daughter’s bedroom one night, we were discussing an issue that she was experiencing and both myself and my youngest daughter just listened and validated how she felt. We could both relate to what she was feeling, as we’ve both felt it too, but rather than go straight in to this is what you should do mode, I sat back and asked her some further questions about the situation so she could see all sides of what was going on and she could understand how others may also feel. Having this perspective allowed her to find some resolutions to the problem herself. Only then did I tell her my own experience and what happened for me back when I was at school.
We all talked about what it is to be a friend and what kinds of people we want in our lives as friends too. That friends are not perfect, and neither are we. That friends won’t always agree with us, and that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends with them, but how important it is to have a mutual respect for each other and the way we communicate our needs.
The hour we spent together reminded me so much of when I was at school, and me, my sister and mum would do the same thing. We would all be together in the kitchen after school and mum would listen to our troubles, offer her wisdom and then allow us to make our own decision.
When the shift happens
Amazing shifts take place when you genuinely connect with your kids on their level. When you listen to understand, rather than to judge, when you ask questions, as appose to lecture, when you validate their feelings instead of teaching them to bury them. When you connect on their level, they will listen to your guidance, they will ask questions and they will further open up knowing they can trust that you’re not going to go off your head in that moment, (even if your exploding on the inside!). Your child is not perfect, and they’re going to make mistakes that make your hair curl and your nerves stand on end. They’re going to do things that you don’t agree with and things that you consider to be wrong, but at the end of the day they’re still learning and as parents so are we.
This isn’t soft parenting as some people see it. This is building the foundation of mutual trust and understanding. It’s teaching them that it’s OK to talk about things and that it’s OK to ask for help. Most of all it’s about teaching them emotional Intelligence so that when they grow up, and they’re through those difficult teenage years where their emotional mind is very much leading the charge, they will be well rounded individuals who know how to emotionally support themselves and the people around them.
If you’d like to find out more about supporting your tween or teenager to make sense of themselves and the world around them you can contact me using the contact form.
You can also purchase my book ‘Making Sense of Me’ – a book written to my younger self and a guide for all teenage girls to support them in making better sense of themselves and the world around them.
by Faye Cox | Feb 3, 2023 | Anxiety, Coaching, Family, Parents, Stress, Teens, Tips, Uncategorized, Wellbeing
What are Teenage Values and Beliefs?
As human beings, we all have our very own map of the world. No two people’s are ever the same. You can be an identical twin, yet your world map will still differ.
No other person has experienced life through your lens. No other person has seen, heard or felt things exactly the same way you have. This is hugely beneficial to learn as it can relieve the pressure of feeling like you have to be like other people.
Values
Values are the things that are important to you. I call these your non-negotiables in life. For example, my values are honesty, compassion, empathy and respect. I live by these values, and when I feel one of them is not being met either by myself or by those closest to me, it can cause stress and anxiety.
Beliefs
Beliefs are what you believe to be true about yourself and the world around you. These can be anything from thinking that you’re not good enough at something, not tall enough for something or even that you can’t do something for whatever reason you’ve convinced yourself is true.
When you’re a young child, your values and beliefs are automatically the same as those closest to you: your parents, older siblings, grandparents, etc. But when you reach your teenage years, your actual values can get lost and confused with other people’s. You can even begin to doubt your family values and believe other families’ values align with what you want to believe.
These beliefs may suit your current lifestyle more, or they might be more relaxed, and that’s okay. It’s completely normal to question what you believe to be true and what your parents believe to be true as long as you do it respectfully. Remember, your parents may have lived by these values for a long time and will be deeply embedded in their minds. For someone to come along and question them can feel difficult and uncomfortable and like someone is disrespecting them.
As with most parents, they may not even know why they have them in the first place, as they too will have inherited some of their beliefs from their parents a long time ago.
When I was a child, my parents firmly believed that drawing on anything apart from paper was wrong. I know this was to stop me from writing on the walls when I was a toddler. Your parents may have told you the same thing. As an adult, I can realise what this means. Still, as a young child, this became so embedded in my mind that I believed that I was never to draw on anything except paper.
When my children suggested that we draw a rainbow on the pavement for the NHS during COVID, my instant reply was ‘no’. To which they both asked me why. I gave them the old ‘because I said so’ answer and thought that would be the end of it. But then they asked me why it was so wrong and gave me two very valid reasons why it should be okay; one being that it was to show support for the NHS and the other that they could easily wash it off.
Well, what could I say? I had nothing; no comeback could back up this belief my parents had given me as a young child. I even asked myself why and to my amazement, I had no real reason. I had acted instantly and unconsciously due to something drummed into me as a child. I’m sure you can guess what happened next – I told them we could get some chalk and create our rainbow. Their faces were a picture, and our rainbow was the talk of the close and stayed put until the rain came and washed it all away a few days later.
Why am I telling you about my old belief and rainbows? I want you to know that even we adults have old and outdated beliefs that influence our decisions regarding our children. Be mindful of this when your parents question your reasons for doing something.
It means that you, too, can change your beliefs about yourself. You, too, can believe that you CAN do something, that you are good enough.
When it comes to many things in life, it’s a good idea to take a closer look at your values so that you can live authentically as you. It can be difficult with so many outside influences, especially friends, but it’s fundamental to discover who you are and who you want to be.
So, how do you go about discovering your teenage values? I do this with all the young people I work with, and here is an exercise you can complete to do just that.
Teenage Values exercise
- Write a list of everything important to you, eg. family, friendship, kindness, integrity, honesty, learning, money, success, well-being, giving back to the community, faith, and caring for yourself and others.
- Narrow down your list to your three most important ones.
- Write down why each of these three values is important to you.
- Write down who you know who shares all three values.
- Write down who you know who shares at least two of these values.
- Give an example of how you live by each of your chosen values.
If you’re not already living by these three values, how can you make the necessary changes to include these in your everyday life? Are you living by these values in some parts of your life and not others?
If like so many other teenagers I work with, you’re finding it difficult to know what you believe to be true or how to live authentically as you then check out my book ‘Making Sense of Me’ which is out now. Alternatively you can book a call with me
by Faye Cox | Nov 20, 2022 | Anxiety, Family, Parents, Teens, Tips
You may have noticed that there are some days when your teenager comes home and tells you everything about their day. They’ll be feeling motivated, have clear focus and can tell you some of the things they learnt that day. On other days, however, you’ll get grunting, vacant looks and you may even feel like they can’t even hear you talking at all.
These days can feel difficult for both of you. They may come home and genuinely not remember much of what’s happened in their day. It’s not deliberate so please don’t take it personally. It may be that your teenager has something else going on that is consuming their minds or their attention has been focused elsewhere for some reason.
We all know that if something really catches our interest then we will shift our entire focus to it, but if it’s not a subject we’re fully invested in then we can lack focus and attention for any length of time and it’s no different for our teenagers. In fact, with everything that’s going on in their everyday lives, including their brain development and hormones, it’s no wonder that some days they’re a little all over the place.
Having worked with teenagers for many years now I am here to support you to support them in the best ways you can and here are some ways to help them improve their focus and learning skills.
These will also help those with ADHD.
Keep the following points to hand when your teenager is doing their homework and needs to fully focus
Create a distraction-free space for their learning
Make a designated space where your teenager knows they can go and do their homework in peace. Having a specific space enables them to take themselves away, whilst letting everyone else know that it’s time for them to focus and get on with their work.
Create a space that is well ventilated and lit, ideally with natural light if possible and away from everyone else so there is less noise from the TV or other family members. Your teenager may find white noise effective for helping them focus. Certain music playing quietly can also assist focus. Having one ear-pod in whilst working can be useful. This is one I see a lot with the teenagers I work with.
Be sure to put any other devices, gadgets, computer games and any other distractions away from your teenager at this time. These can become a huge distraction if within their eye line.
Once that task is over, encourage your teenager to put away everything that they have used before starting the next task and then get out everything they need for the next task. This way they only have what they need within their eye line.
Give your teenager a drink and some snacks to see them through and keep their blood sugar level up and to make sure they are hydrated whilst they work.
Grounding before homework
Before your teenager begins their homework, they can do a quick and highly effective grounding meditation to help prepare them for learning.
Grounding is an amazingly effective method to help clear the mind of any clutter that may be hanging around from the day. You can do this with them if you like as you will both benefit from it as it will also help to rid you and your teenager of any stress or tension you may be holding on to.
Here is a simple grounding meditation for you both to try.
- Sit down on the floor with your legs crossed
- Close your eyes and focus on your breath
- Simply notice the inhale and exhale of your breath
- Then make the inhales and exhales a little longer and deeper
- Feel yourself connect with the core of the earth and feel a complete sense of grounded-ness whilst picturing yourself as a tree with vast roots that are growing and reaching the centre of the earth.
- Bring your awareness back to the breath
- Take 3 long and deep inhales and exhales and come back to your awareness of the space around you
- Count to 5 and open your eyes
Notice how calm and grounded you feel ready to focus
Always set realistic goals for learning
Support your teenager to break down their tasks into manageable chunks and even use a brain dump to help them start a new task. Many people find starting a new task and transitioning between tasks difficult, so using a brain dump can help to get everything out of their head so they can break down what needs doing and how. This will free them from the overwhelm of it all.
Encourage your teenager to steer well clear of multi-tasking as this will escalate their overwhelm and create stress and anxiety. Plus, they won’t be able to do any of the tasks well and one task done well is worth more than two or three tasks done badly.
Use a planner to plan out homework with dates of when it will be completed by. Have set days and times as this will encourage good routine when it comes to learning.
Make sure that they are taking regular breaks from learning as this will increase productivity and focus. I encourage my teenagers to use the Pomodoro technique which involves full focus for 25 minutes and then a 5-minute break. Find what works best for your teenager as different things work for different people.
Remember that everyone is different, and these are just a few suggestions from my experience of working with teenagers who struggle with focus, anxiety and overwhelm when it comes to schoolwork and homework. These strategies have been very effective over the years. If your teenager is struggling in any of these areas, you can arrange a call with me to see where I can further support them.
by Faye Cox | May 6, 2022 | Anxiety, Coaching, Family, NLP, Parents, Teens, Therapy, Tips
How NLP can help Teenage Anxiety
NLP can help Teenage Anxiety: NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones.
NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain access to the unconscious mind, change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones. Ones that will support us to thrive in all aspects of life.
What is NLP
Firstly you may be wondering what NLP is and until I started my own research into Young People’s behaviour I was wondering the same thing.
NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming and is the study of human thought processes. The language that we use to communicate our ideas and emotions as well as the behaviours we present based on our individual programming and unconscious mind.
NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain access to the unconscious mind, change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones. Ones that will support us to thrive in all aspects of life.
Why is NLP Important?
Our entire life depends on the way we think and act and we do this in relation to our unconscious mind which is filled with thoughts and beliefs from the very moment we are born.
Not only does this affect us, but we also pass this programming down to our children in the way that we communicate and interact with them.
NLP will help you and your teenager to become aware of those thought patterns, recognise the behaviours that present as a result and will allow you to create new thoughts and behaviours as a result.
Watch my YouTube video for Five Quick Tips to Change your Thoughts.
What causes teenage anxiety?
Our teenagers can develop anxiety for many different reasons, such as:
- Exam stress
- Feelings that they are failing at school
- Being bullied at school or online
- Changing schools
- Moving home
- Lack of movement such as exercise
- Feelings of isolation
- Failing tests or exams
- Conflict between parents
- Feelings of not being good enough – the need to be perfect
- Injury
- Illness
- Feeling unloved
- Abuse
- Death of a loved one
- Sibling rivalry
- Lack of confidence
- Constant worrying about the future
- Conflict within friendships
- Comparing themselves to their peers
- Feeling big and new emotions
- Feelings of detachment from family and friends
As you can see there are a lot of things that can trigger anxiety in our teenagers and as a result, as parents we need to be looking out for the signs that our teen may be experiencing teenage anxiety.
As we learn these signs we are better equipped to support our teenagers when things get tough.
As time goes by you will be able to pick up on their anxieties a lot quicker and be ready to help and in turn they will recognise the signs sooner themselves and will be more comfortable asking for your help.
How to spot the signs of teen anxiety
To help, here are some of the signs that your teenager may be experiencing anxiety
- Constantly worrying about things that haven’t happened yet or that may happen.
- A rapid heart rate
- Breathlessness or shallow breathing
- Hot flushes or even feeling unusually cold
- Sweating
- Shaking
- Feelings of dizziness
- Lack of motivation
- Clinginess to either or both parents or caregivers
- Regular nightmares
- Feelings of irritability and mood swings
- Lack of self-esteem and confidence
- Trouble sleeping
- Unable to relax
- Reduced interest in school or other activities they usually love
- Lack of focus
- A dip in cognitive abilities(unable to think clearly or be able to do simple tasks)
- Compulsive behaviours which appear when their anxiety presents itself
NB: These symptoms can also run alongside a medical condition so it’s always best to get any medical conditions ruled out by a GP.
Create a safe space for your teen
When your teenager is experiencing anxiety it can be tough on all the family and the key to being able to support them is by understanding where it comes from and open up communication with them so that they feel safe.
Our number 1 need as a human being is to feel safe in any given moment. So when they are experiencing anxiety, ask yourself ‘Do they feel safe?’ if not, create a safe space for them so they can de-escalate.
A teenager who is escalated through a big emotion is not going to be in a place to talk about their feelings until they feel safe and ready.
Don’t take it personally if they aren’t ready at that moment to share. Creating that safe space will mean more than you realise.
Whilst creating that space where your teenager knows you are ready to allow them to be seen and heard. It’s always a good idea to refrain from using words like:
- You should
- You have to
- You must
- Just relax
- You’re just thinking negatively
- You’re just overthinking things as always
- It’s all in your head
- You worry too much
NLP techniques for Teenage Anxiety
Try some of the following NLP techniques. Not all techniques work for everyone, so I always suggest a few.
Affirmations
A great way to use NLP is in practicing Affirmations. Affirmations are a powerful tool to use with young people.
They can help to support them in rewiring their negative thoughts about themselves or a situation, and relieve their anxiety around them.
I use these when I’m working with young people, and I see some fantastic results. I have even created my own deck of cards inspired by the common issues that I see every week. See my online shop
These affirmations influence the unconscious mind in a positive way. I always recommend that you choose ones that are most relevant to what is going on for your teenager at that time.
Put these affirmations somewhere they will see them each and every day, on their mirror, in their lunch bag, as an alert on their phone. There are lots of ways you can use these positive unconscious statements.
For example: we can reframe their negative thinking about an exam, by switching sentences such as ‘I am going to fail’ into ‘I am going to give it my best shot’ or ‘I always do my best and today that is what I’m going to do’.
As parents we can support them by watching our own language. Both with our teenagers but also with ourselves.
Remember they look to you for guidance, so if you’re speaking negatively to yourself then you are showing them to do the same and then reframing will become harder.
How are you currently speaking to yourself and how can you change so that you are modelling the behaviour you want to see from your teenager.
The ‘As If’ technique
This is a good NLP technique for supporting your teenager as it uses their imagination and even in those teen years their imagination is still strong and we can tap into that.
If you find that your teen is unable to calm themselves down, firstly take them through a couple of breathing exercises (more on that in my next technique).
Once they are feeling calmer and ready to accept suggestions, ask them what it would be like if they were able to do, feel or have what they needed? How would they feel once they are able to move past the fear and achieve the desired outcome?
Ask them to tap into their sense of feeling, seeing, hearing, smelling and even tasting. This will support them to alter their emotional state and ease those feelings of anxiety.
It allows them to imagine how things could be if they allowed themselves to see the situation in a more positive way.
Breathing
Now this one is the simplest of all techniques, but it’s so underestimated especially by our young people.
If we can teach our teenagers the power of their breathe in any given moment and how it allows them to bring themselves back from the anxiety that is driving them to the present moment where there is nothing to fear.
One of the simplest breathing techniques is the 4, 4, 4, 4 box breathing which I use regularly. It’s as simple as slowing down the breathe and counting to 4 as you breath in, hold your breathe for the count of 4, then breath out for the count of 4 and hold for the count of 4.
Quite simply repeat until you are back in the present moment and your heart stops racing and you can regulate yourself. This can take some time and that’s OK.
This is always my go to and one that my own kids use when they feel any kind of fear or anxiety. We breathe together for as long as it takes.
This helps you to create that safe space that I was talking about earlier.
Breathing with them in this way creates connection and within that place of connection your teenager will feel safer and more ready to talk about what their worry feels like.
Grab your Free Anxiety Resources
I hope you have found this article useful in understanding how NLP can help teenage anxiety. And that you feel able to implement some of these techniques with your teenager and even yourself.
There are many other NLP techniques that can be used when dealing with teenage anxiety and you can find out more of these by grabbing your FREE Anxiety resources.
