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What Your Teen Really Wants From You

What Your Teen Really Wants From You

What your teen really wants from you

What your teen really wants from you is for you to listen and understand them. This blog explains how your teenager’s mind works and what they really want from you. Including helpful tips, resources, and NLP exercises to help you shift your perspective and improve communication with your teen.

parents_and_teens

 

Why are you here?
I’m guessing it is because you’ve either reached the end of your tether with your teen? Or you want to make sure you’re supporting them in the best way you know how? Or even BOTH? 

Hopefully this blog will help you to start making some progress towards understanding what your teen really wants from you.  

 

Meeting their physical and emotional needs
I have been working closely with teens and their parents for some years now, both one-to-one and in groups, in both an education setting and in their own personal space. I have seen the effects that a teens’ education and mental health is having on their daily lives.  

I’ve worked with teens and young people with high anxiety, anger, low self-esteem and confidence, dyslexia and ADHD and they all have one thing in common and that is to have their basic physical and emotional needs met and feel fully supported in a way that they feel in control of their own lives! 

How a teenagers mind works
Firstly, in understanding what your teen really wants from you, I want to give you some background on how a teenagers and young persons mind works, so that both you and your teenager can better understand why they do the things they do. 

It is important to be aware of where your teenagers brain development is at, which makes it easier to understand their behaviour and thought processes.

As a result your teenager may seem incredibly grown up and sensible one minute and then the next seem completely illogical and impulsive. Almost like they’ve been replaced by aliens. 

brain_development

 

Brain development
Between the ages of 0-7 is the key stage of a child’s positive brain development, where they form their early belief system. Children are like sponges they take in everything that goes on around them.

The next development phase is when they hit puberty, this is different for each child, but in general it’s around 11-12 years of age, and continues until the mid 20’s. 

As adults our pre-frontel cortex is fully developed allowing us to think rationally, understand consequences, solve problems and control our impulses.  Before the age of 25, we rely heavily on our ‘amygdala’ to solve our problems and make decisions. This part of the brain is associated with our emotions, impulses, aggression and instinctive behaviour. 

Supporting teens and young people
Having spoken and supported many teenagers and young people over the years I am here to support you, to support them.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I got it massively wrong with my step-son. When he turned into an alien overnight I didn’t understand, I didn’t even try to. I let my ‘EGO’ get in the way (The EGO is a whole topic all on it’s own and one I support parents with in my coaching).

I didn’t change my parenting style to adapt to his needs and as a result we disconnected for far too long and if I could go back and do it differently, knowing what I know now, I would!

 

Mother and son

There are a few key things that your teenager wants from you

  • For you to keep them safe. This is the number 1 basic need of all humans. They want you to remind them of the dangers with love and kindness instead of judgement and frustration.
  • To show them love and support even when they’re in alien mode.
  • To know you’re on their side and haven’t forgotten how tough those teenage years are.

But, the biggest thing your teenager or young person wants from you is… YOUR EARS!!!!

Yes, that’s right. The biggest thing they want from you is for you to listen, and I mean really listen. Listen to understand, not to reply, lecture, tell them they’re wrong.

Listen and Understand, without judgement
They want you to step back into their world and listen as if you’re there with them, sitting alongside them whilst they navigate this difficult and confusing time. To accept who they are, not what you think they are or want them to be. 

They want to be heard and respected for having their own opinions in life. They want your FULL attention when they speak about what’s going on for them. They want to know that you GET IT and can see things from their perspective.

How to gain a better perspective
In this video I teach you a great NLP exercise that will help you to see another persons point of view in any given situation. Gaining better perspective can build confidence in all areas of your life, be it your relationships with your partner or kids, or in the workplace with colleagues or employees.

Meet them where they are

As adults we judge situations through our adult brain (the pre-frontel cortex) but in order to be fully present and connected with your teenager, you need to go back and meet them where they are – Why am I repeating this? Because it’s the key to staying connected.

The teenage years are about standing beside them and using a gentle hand to guide rather than leading them from the front like you would a younger child.

Let your teenager lead the way. Keep communication light and flowing. Remember the teenage years through their eyes not yours as an adult. 

Want to learn more?

For more useful resources sign up for my mailing list. Sign up now.

or check out some of my other blogs

How to improve your relationship with your teen? 

How NLP can help Teenage Anxiety

How to gain better perspective

 

Book a call

Free 20 minute discovery call where we determine where I may be able to help you. If we’re the right fit to work together and what service would best suit your needs.

Get in touch

If you have any further questions please call: 07968381793 or email faye@fayecoxcoaching.co.uk

 

How NLP can help Teenage Anxiety

How NLP can help Teenage Anxiety

How NLP can help Teenage Anxiety

NLP can help Teenage Anxiety: NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones.

NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain access to the unconscious mind, change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones. Ones that will support us to thrive in all aspects of life.

 

What is NLP

Firstly you may be wondering what NLP is and until I started my own research into Young People’s behaviour I was wondering the same thing.

NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming and is the study of human thought processes. The language that we use to communicate our ideas and emotions as well as the behaviours we present based on our individual programming and unconscious mind. 

NLP helps teenagers experiencing anxiety to gain access to the unconscious mind, change old thought and belief patterns and create new ones. Ones that will support us to thrive in all aspects of life.

 

Why is NLP Important?

Our entire life depends on the way we think and act and we do this in relation to our unconscious mind which is filled with thoughts and beliefs from the very moment we are born.

Not only does this affect us, but we also pass this programming down to our children in the way that we communicate and interact with them.

NLP will help you and your teenager to become aware of those thought patterns, recognise the behaviours that present as a result and will allow you to create new thoughts and behaviours as a result.

Watch my YouTube video for Five Quick Tips to Change your Thoughts. 

 

What causes teenage anxiety?

Our teenagers can develop anxiety for many different reasons, such as:

  • Exam stress
  • Feelings that they are failing at school
  • Being bullied at school or online
  • Changing schools
  • Moving home
  • Lack of movement such as exercise
  • Feelings of isolation
  • Failing tests or exams
  • Conflict between parents
  • Feelings of not being good enough – the need to be perfect
  • Injury
  • Illness
  • Feeling unloved
  • Abuse
  • Death of a loved one
  • Sibling rivalry
  • Lack of confidence
  • Constant worrying about the future
  • Conflict within friendships
  • Comparing themselves to their peers
  • Feeling big and new emotions
  • Feelings of detachment from family and friends

 

As you can see there are a lot of things that can trigger anxiety in our teenagers and as a result, as parents we need to be looking out for the signs that our teen may be experiencing teenage anxiety.

As we learn these signs we are better equipped to support our teenagers when things get tough.

As time goes by you will be able to pick up on their anxieties a lot quicker and be ready to help and in turn they will recognise the signs sooner themselves and will be more comfortable asking for your help.

 

How to spot the signs of teen anxiety

To help, here are some of the signs that your teenager may be experiencing anxiety

  • Constantly worrying about things that haven’t happened yet or that may happen.
  • A rapid heart rate
  • Breathlessness or shallow breathing
  • Hot flushes or even feeling unusually cold
  • Sweating
  • Shaking
  • Feelings of dizziness
  • Lack of motivation
  • Clinginess to either or both parents or caregivers
  • Regular nightmares
  • Feelings of irritability and mood swings
  • Lack of self-esteem and confidence
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Unable to relax
  • Reduced interest in school or other activities they usually love
  • Lack of focus
  • A dip in cognitive abilities(unable to think clearly or be able to do simple tasks)
  • Compulsive behaviours which appear when their anxiety presents itself

NB: These symptoms can also run alongside a medical condition so it’s always best to get any medical conditions ruled out by a GP.

 

Create a safe space for your teen

When your teenager is experiencing anxiety it can be tough on all the family and the key to being able to support them is by understanding where it comes from and open up communication with them so that they feel safe.

Our number 1 need as a human being is to feel safe in any given moment. So when they are experiencing anxiety, ask yourself ‘Do they feel safe?’ if not, create a safe space for them so they can de-escalate.

A teenager who is escalated through a big emotion is not going to be in a place to talk about their feelings until they feel safe and ready.

Don’t take it personally if they aren’t ready at that moment to share. Creating that safe space will mean more than you realise.

Whilst creating that space where your teenager knows you are ready to allow them to be seen and heard. It’s always a good idea to refrain from using words like:

  • You should
  • You have to
  • You must
  • Just relax
  • You’re just thinking negatively
  • You’re just overthinking things as always
  • It’s all in your head
  • You worry too much

     

    NLP techniques for Teenage Anxiety

    Try some of the following NLP techniques. Not all techniques work for everyone, so I always suggest a few. 

     

    Affirmations

    A great way to use NLP is in practicing Affirmations. Affirmations are a powerful tool to use with young people.

    They can help to support them in rewiring their negative thoughts about themselves or a situation, and relieve their anxiety around them.

    I use these when I’m working with young people, and I see some fantastic results. I have even created my own deck of cards inspired by the common issues that I see every week. See my online shop

    These affirmations influence the unconscious mind in a positive way. I always recommend that you choose ones that are most relevant to what is going on for your teenager at that time.

    Put these affirmations somewhere they will see them each and every day, on their mirror, in their lunch bag, as an alert on their phone. There are lots of ways you can use these positive unconscious statements.

    For example: we can reframe their negative thinking about an exam, by switching sentences such as ‘I am going to fail’ into ‘I am going to give it my best shot’ or ‘I always do my best and today that is what I’m going to do’.

    As parents we can support them by watching our own language. Both with our teenagers but also with ourselves.

    Remember they look to you for guidance, so if you’re speaking negatively to yourself then you are showing them to do the same and then reframing will become harder. 

    How are you currently speaking to yourself and how can you change so that  you are modelling the behaviour you want to see from your teenager.

     

    The ‘As If’ technique

    This is a good NLP technique for supporting your teenager as it uses their imagination and even in those teen years their imagination is still strong and we can tap into that.

    If you find that your teen is unable to calm themselves down, firstly take them through a couple of breathing exercises (more on that in my next technique).

    Once they are feeling calmer and ready to accept suggestions, ask them what it would be like if they were able to do, feel or have what they needed? How would they feel once they are able to move past the fear and achieve the desired outcome?

    Ask them to tap into their sense of feeling, seeing, hearing, smelling and even tasting. This will support them to alter their emotional state and ease those feelings of anxiety.

    It allows them to imagine how things could be if they allowed themselves to see the situation in a more positive way.

     

    Breathing

    Now this one is the simplest of all techniques, but it’s so underestimated especially by our young people.

    If we can teach our teenagers the power of their breathe in any given moment and how it allows them to bring themselves back from the anxiety that is driving them to the present moment where there is nothing to fear.

    One of the simplest breathing techniques is the 4, 4, 4, 4 box breathing which I use regularly. It’s as simple as slowing down the breathe and counting to 4 as you breath in, hold your breathe for the count of 4, then breath out for the count of 4 and hold for the count of 4.

    Quite simply repeat until you are back in the present moment and your heart stops racing and you can regulate yourself. This can take some time and that’s OK.

    This is always my go to and one that my own kids use when they feel any kind of fear or anxiety. We breathe together for as long as it takes.

    This helps you to create that safe space that I was talking about earlier.

    Breathing with them in this way creates connection and within that place of connection your teenager will feel safer and more ready to talk about what their worry feels like.

     

    Grab your Free Anxiety Resources

    I hope you have found this article useful in understanding how NLP can help teenage anxiety.  And that you feel able to implement some of these techniques with your teenager and even yourself.

    There are many other NLP techniques that can be used when dealing with teenage anxiety and you can find out more of these by grabbing your FREE Anxiety resources 

    Visit my Online Shop

    Order a copy of my Teen Anxiety Journal and Self Love Affirmation Cards especially designed for tweens and teens. 

    Get in touch

    If you have any further questions please call: 07968381793 or email faye@fayecoxcoaching.co.uk

    How to improve your relationship with your teenager?

    How to improve your relationship with your teenager?

    How to improve your relationship with your teenager?

    As parents, we want quick, practical, and affordable and effective solutions. Coaching and therapy may seem like it is not, a quick or affordable solution but I’m here to explain why it absolutely is.

     

    Many parents ask themselves these questions

    How do I improve my relationship with my teenager? How can I communicate better with my teenager? How to parent a rebellious teenager? How to parent a teenager with depression? How to parent a teenager with Anxiety? How to parent a teenager with ADHD?

    There’s so much information and advice out there, but it’s not always that helpful. Some methods will work for some and not for others.

    My NEEDS audit sessions are designed to help you answer many of these questions, helping you to reconnect with your teen find the best solutions to overcome any stress and anxiety that you and your teen may be experiencing.

     

    Working with me will improve your relationship both with yourself and your teenager

    When most people think about coaching and therapy, they want to know what the benefits are. What exactly are they going to get for their money? 

    We know that when we purchase something completely tangible we’re getting a physical product or a visible service, but when it comes to coaching and therapy as humans we need to be able to see and feel the results, and most of the time we want to see and feel things FAST.

    Well, I can tell you that working with me will enable you to see and feel change FAST. It would be wrong of me to say that results happen overnight because they don’t, but what they do, is create long-lasting change that can and will start from the very first session.

     

    Needs Audit Faye Cox Coaching

     

    How do we work together?

    Whether I’m working with you or your teenager or working with you together, my aim is always to give you a FASTER, deeper and longer-lasting effect.

    We conduct a NEEDS Audit which brings huge insight into where you and your teenager are now, and where you’d like to be.

    It also provides me with the foundation of our working relationship. This is where I will gather the information I need to support you in creating that long-lasting change. This forms the framework for the rest of our time together.

    Then we go deeper into some of the unmet needs from the audit and put together an action plan. As well as putting some strategies in place you can use at home and even within school if needs be.

    This is done through a series of 6 sessions, where I will carry out some sessions individually and some with you both. In the last session, I will bring you back together to talk through how things are going, and see where there may still need to be some suggestions and work.

     

    What do you get from me?

    During our time together, you get full access to me via WhatsApp and email for any queries or support needed in between sessions.

    You will also receive a copy of each of my journals and a set of affirmation cards designed specifically for tweens and teens.

    You will deeply benefit from going through the cards and exercises within the journals with your teenager as this will deepen your connection and communication even further.

    You also get the benefit of my vast experience of working with teenagers and parents together, as well as my knowledge of using Coaching, NLP, and CBT effectively with this age group.

     

    How long do we work together for?

    We work together for 3 months, starting with the NEEDS Audit lasting 90 minutes, which is followed by 6 further sessions lasting approx. 60 minutes. 

     

    How much can I expect to pay to work with you?

    I pride myself on offering affordable services as I believe that every young person and their family deserves to thrive.

    I also offer affordable resources in my online shop such as my journals and affirmation cards, as well as some free resources

    For that, you will receive a FAST and long-lasting change to both yourself and them, whilst also creating a deeper connection through better communication.

    NEEDS Audit Session

    My 3-month working relationship will involve an investment of £450 and approximately 7 ½ hours of yours and your teenager’s time.

    Get in touch

    If you have any further questions please call: 07968381793 or email faye@fayecoxcoaching.co.uk

     

    How to Gain better perspective

    How to Gain better perspective

    Would you love to know how you can gain better perspective in any situation?

    I’m here to tell you that it is possible and it’s a lot simpler than you may think.

    We all find ourselves in situations where we may disagree with other people, and 9 times out of 10 when we’re in these situations we see things differently. We see things differently from the other person because of our map of the world, how we see things, our beliefs, our values and the experiences we’ve had in our life up until that point.

    So today I want to give you a quick NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) technique that I use in my practice, to help you be able to see things from other people’s point of view, so you can put yourself in other people’s shoes in any situation. I call this the three pillars of perspective (also known as Perceptual Positions). You can physically do this and practice this technique over an over in preparation for when you find yourself in any given situation.

    To start off with, there are three positions in the three pillars of perspective, position one, is you. That’s your position within any given situation or conversation, second position is the person you may be having that discussion with, It could be a situation at work, it could be something in your personal life, business, any given situation. A lot of the time you will find that this could be a 1 on 1 conversation, and you’re unable to see somebody else’s point of view. The third position, you are going to become a neutral participant within the conversation. You’re going to be the person who looks on the situation as an outsider, from a totally neutral perspective.

    perspective

    So how does it work?

    To begin with, you can set up three different chairs in your living room, kitchen, at work in a conference room, wherever you happen to be. You can do this by yourself, you can also help your colleagues and employees do this, so when they’re in negotiations and communicating with other members of staff, or they’re trying to close a deal, any of those kinds of things, you can use this. Practise with them regularly.

    Position 1 – Start off sitting in the first person’s chair so at this point you’re looking at things from your own perspective. Close your eyes and think of a situation that you may have found yourself in recently where you’re having a conversation, and the perspectives have been different, think back to the conversation that you were having and picture exactly what happened, what was said? How did you see things? How did the conversation go through your own eyes? Sit with that for a moment. Then I want you to do what we call in NLP which is break that state. So, open your eyes, think of something totally different, outside of the conversation, it might be what you’re having for dinner. It might be what your next meeting is. Just think about something entirely different.

    And at that point, pick yourself up and move over to another chair, and this chair will be the second position.

    state of being

    Position 2 – Now you’re the other person in the conversation. When you’re ready, sit in that chair, close your eyes and put yourself in that person’s situation. Go back to the conversation, but this time you’re looking at it from the other persons. How did they see it? Imagine the situation from that person’s point of view, imagine stepping into their body and becoming them, and looking at you through their eyes, through their perspective and think back to what was said. What is their understanding of the situation? How did they see you and your actions in this situation? Once you’ve done that, open your eyes and break state again.

    Now move to the third person’s chair.

    Position 3 – Now you become the neutral third person. We are now the objective outsider. This person is somebody that you respect, somebody that you admire, somebody that you trust. We’re looking through their eyes now and seeing their perspective. Imagine that you’re watching this like a ‘fly on the wall’. Now it’s helpful here to picture yourself, to close your eyes and picture yourself as looking down on the conversation. We call ‘the helicopter view’, so you’re looking down on the conversation of these two people. You’re looking at something from a completely outside point of view and I want you to ask yourself these questions. How are these two people acting? Are they being fair to one another? Are they actively listening to what the other person is saying? Is the way that they are behaving, or the way that this conversation is going resolving anything or coming up with any plan or solution? Is one person being more dominant than the other.? What advice would you as that outside perspective, give both of these people to help them work out their differences?

    Once you’ve done that, break state, again.

    This is such a powerful tool to enable you to step into other people’s shoes, to see their perspective, but also step outside of the situation altogether and look in from a completely different viewpoint, because 9 times out of 10, that will help you to come up with resolutions and totally different answers to the ones that you were coming up with before when you’re only looking at something from your perspective.

    It’s incredibly useful in life, your career and even in business for any situation you may find yourself in.

    After doing this exercise, take a few minutes just to write down those different perspectives, write down what came out of that. What did you learn about yourself having done it? What did you learn about the other person? How do you want to move forward from here?

    Like I said, this is a really great and very simple exercise that you can practice either yourself, with family members, with friends, with colleagues, so that you can deal with Conflict better and get better results for yourself and others.

    Faye Cox Coaching – BELIEVING IN YOU UNTIL YOU DO TOO! If you’d like some support so you too can start believing in yourself, you can have a chat with me here

    You can also subscribe to my You-Tube Channel where I release a brand new video each week talking about gaining perspective, limiting beliefs, changing the way you think and much more….

    Faye Cox Coaching

    5 Tips to Change your Negative Thought Patterns

    5 Tips to Change your Negative Thought Patterns

    “Change your thoughts to change your life!”

     

    Now you might be surprised at how often during the day you focus on a negative thought. The average person has 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. So it’s no surprise that this can get out of hand pretty quickly.

    The best thing you can do to stop negative thoughts, is try and become more aware of those times that you are thinking in a negative manner.

    Your life is a reflection of everything you have programmed into your mind over the course of your life up until now. You have been programmed, every second of every day from the very minute that you are born. You’re being programmed with both your internal thoughts, and your external thoughts. Those internal thoughts are the ones that drive you. And in a nutshell, you are what you think you are.

    thought reflection

    Now your unconscious beliefs and thought patterns, literally shape the whole world around you, each and every second. Much like a broken record, your thoughts get stuck on what your problems are. And you can then lose the ability to break out of this negative cycle. This never ending cycle becomes your way of life. So you literally think yourself into creation. This then becomes the song that you sing, and the dance that you dance when you’re stuck in a cycle of despair. When we’re stuck in this cycle, all we can really do and all you’re actually really doing is expanding the presence and giving more power to that despair. You’re tightening its grip on you until it gets to a point where your mind is controlling you, when what we want to do is we want to totally flip it so that you are in control of your mind.

    That brings me nicely on to my five quick tips to help you change your thoughts – You can watch the video here!

    Tip 1 – Is to identify those automatic negative thoughts that keep coming up again and again. Because your thoughts are directly linked to your feelings and your behaviours as a result of those feelings. So, your thoughts influence how you feel, which influences how you behave, so listening and writing down your negative thought patterns can help increase your awareness. The very first step to anything we do is becoming more aware and writing things down so we’re getting them out of our minds and onto paper. It’s one of the simplest but most effective ways that we can bring these thoughts in to your awareness. So list down those thoughts that keep coming up for you, just simply write them down.

    Tip 2 – Is explore the cause of that negative thought process or pattern. These could even relate to your childhood. This could be stuff that has been programmed from such a young age, potentially from your parents. Your parents have always wanted to protect you so there will be certain things that they would have said to you when you were younger, such as, don’t talk to strangers, we all get taught stranger danger when we are younger and that keeps us safe, and it’s really really important to know that as children. But as we enter our adult lives and we start to go out and about and we start to meet new people, we start a new job, we’re in business and go networking or we’re wanting to build a wider circle of friends, we have to start getting comfortable with talking to people we don’t know. And this completely goes against that belief that we have been taught not to speak to strangers. And there’s so many different things like that, so we need to catch these thoughts to become aware of them to explore where they come from.

    Tip 3 – Is to keep a record of those negative thoughts and try and come up with words or phrases that counteract it. So if we go back to where we might say you can’t do something. In my house, I teach my children not to use the words, I can’t, because the evidence shows that every time they tell themselves they can’t do something, there will have been another time when they have said it and proved themselves wrong and this happens every time, so now we use ‘I’ll give it a go‘ because let’s face it, how do we know if we can do something or not, unless we give it a go. I don’t tend to use the words I’ll try because I find that a bit wishy washy. But if I say to myself or my children say to themselves, I’ll give it a go. It makes you feel good, it’s an empowering kind of statement, it totally changes your state, and how you feel about something than saying, I can’t.

    believe in yourself

    Tip 4 – is to use a tool such as NLP, or affirmations to help you think more positively. Now, through my series of videos, all of the videos that I create, are all to do with using my coaching and NLP techniques so if you subscribe to my You Tube channel to watch all my other videos, you’ll start to learn a lot more of these techniques to help you create more success in life but also to help you change the way you think and start believing in yourself more. List at least 10 negative thoughts that you’re having a day. This takes a little bit of time but as does everything. If you want anything to change. You have to practice. Repetition Repetition Repetition, the brain loves repetition. Now turn those thoughts on their head and creating a statement that better supports you .

    Tip 5 –  is chunking or breaking large amounts of information down into smaller pieces. Now sometimes our negative thoughts can be big thoughts they can be those ones that are ingrained from years and years of that negative repetition. And in order to reframe them and change them into a more positive, we may have to chunk them down. It’s like with any goal or anything that we’re trying to achieve, if you try and deal with something that is too big, all in one go. You’re going to get to a point where you’re banging your head against a brick wall, you’ll feel like you’re failing and can’t do it It sends you into overwhelm, so rather than carrying on and dealing with it. You give up. So, pick that bigger thought apart into smaller ones and deal with those smaller ones. Once you’ve done that you can chunk it back up, so that you can see the bigger picture of what it was that’s going on.

    Practice these tips often until it becomes so natural that you can do it automatically in minutes. Use a journal to help if needs be. I have my own personal journal that you can purchase here.

    Faye Cox CoachingBELIEVING IN YOU UNTIL YOU DO TOO! If you’d like some support so you too can start believing in yourself, you can have a chat with me here

    Faye Cox