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How discovering your true values as a Teenager can reduce stress and anxiety

How discovering your true values as a Teenager can reduce stress and anxiety

What are Teenage Values and Beliefs?

As human beings, we all have our very own map of the world. No two people’s are ever the same. You can be an identical twin, yet your world map will still differ.

powerful habits

No other person has experienced life through your lens. No other person has seen, heard or felt things exactly the same way you have. This is hugely beneficial to learn as it can relieve the pressure of feeling like you have to be like other people.

Values

Values are the things that are important to you. I call these your non-negotiables in life. For example, my values are honesty, compassion, empathy and respect. I live by these values, and when I feel one of them is not being met either by myself or by those closest to me, it can cause stress and anxiety.

Beliefs

Beliefs are what you believe to be true about yourself and the world around you. These can be anything from thinking that you’re not good enough at something, not tall enough for something or even that you can’t do something for whatever reason you’ve convinced yourself is true.

When you’re a young child, your values and beliefs are automatically the same as those closest to you: your parents, older siblings, grandparents, etc. But when you reach your teenage years, your actual values can get lost and confused with other people’s. You can even begin to doubt your family values and believe other families’ values align with what you want to believe.

These beliefs may suit your current lifestyle more, or they might be more relaxed, and that’s okay. It’s completely normal to question what you believe to be true and what your parents believe to be true as long as you do it respectfully. Remember, your parents may have lived by these values for a long time and will be deeply embedded in their minds. For someone to come along and question them can feel difficult and uncomfortable and like someone is disrespecting them.

Grounding

As with most parents, they may not even know why they have them in the first place, as they too will have inherited some of their beliefs from their parents a long time ago.

When I was a child, my parents firmly believed that drawing on anything apart from paper was wrong. I know this was to stop me from writing on the walls when I was a toddler. Your parents may have told you the same thing. As an adult, I can realise what this means. Still, as a young child, this became so embedded in my mind that I believed that I was never to draw on anything except paper.

When my children suggested that we draw a rainbow on the pavement for the NHS during COVID, my instant reply was ‘no’. To which they both asked me why. I gave them the old ‘because I said so’ answer and thought that would be the end of it. But then they asked me why it was so wrong and gave me two very valid reasons why it should be okay; one being that it was to show support for the NHS and the other that they could easily wash it off.

Well, what could I say? I had nothing; no comeback could back up this belief my parents had given me as a young child. I even asked myself why and to my amazement, I had no real reason. I had acted instantly and unconsciously due to something drummed into me as a child. I’m sure you can guess what happened next – I told them we could get some chalk and create our rainbow. Their faces were a picture, and our rainbow was the talk of the close and stayed put until the rain came and washed it all away a few days later.

NHS rainbow on pavement

Why am I telling you about my old belief and rainbows? I want you to know that even we adults have old and outdated beliefs that influence our decisions regarding our children. Be mindful of this when your parents question your reasons for doing something.

It means that you, too, can change your beliefs about yourself. You, too, can believe that you CAN do something, that you are good enough.

When it comes to many things in life, it’s a good idea to take a closer look at your values so that you can live authentically as you. It can be difficult with so many outside influences, especially friends, but it’s fundamental to discover who you are and who you want to be.

So, how do you go about discovering your teenage values? I do this with all the young people I work with, and here is an exercise you can complete to do just that.

Teenage Values exercise

  1. Write a list of everything important to you, eg. family, friendship, kindness, integrity, honesty, learning, money, success, well-being, giving back to the community, faith, and caring for yourself and others.
  2. Narrow down your list to your three most important ones.
  3. Write down why each of these three values is important to you.
  4. Write down who you know who shares all three values.
  5. Write down who you know who shares at least two of these values.
  6. Give an example of how you live by each of your chosen values.

If you’re not already living by these three values, how can you make the necessary changes to include these in your everyday life? Are you living by these values in some parts of your life and not others?

If like so many other teenagers I work with, you’re finding it difficult to know what you believe to be true or how to live authentically as you then check out my book ‘Making Sense of Me’ which is out now. Alternatively you can book a call with me

When you’re battling your own Self Worth

When you’re battling your own Self Worth

I was stuck, so stuck that I felt like I was sitting on the Merry go round getting dizzy, unable to get off, feeling sick and wondering if I was the only one. Thinking, there must be more to life than this!

I’d just found out that my current employer wasn’t going to accept my flexible working request, despite having accepted it when I had my first child. I was 37 and coming to the end of my maternity leave with my second child. I was looking to work 3 days in the office and 1 day from home, which was feasible, I’d done it in the past and it had gone well, at least I had thought so. But when my request was rejected, one of the reasons was that it hadn’t worked before – news to me!!

I didn’t go without a fight. I was the first to ever ask for flexible working after having children. It was a male dominated industry at the time and no-one else had any children.

So, I was left with two young children and no job to return to and I began to feel my self worth plummet. I started to feel like ‘just mum’. I’d been employed full time since I was 16. I had no idea what it was like to not work. It felt scary, but at the same time I was relieved that I hadn’t given in to being forced back in to full-time employment when I wanted to be there for my children too.

I wondered if it was true, what I’d been told, that you can’t have both! You can’t have a successful career and have children! I’d heard this time and time again and seen it happen over and over.

I remember having dinner with a friend, who I had worked with in PR and she mentioned to me about starting my own business and that I could run my own Virtual Assistant business with all the skills and knowledge I had. I was very hesitant. I’d tried some of the direct selling businesses and it hadn’t been for me, so I wondered if this would be either. I was used to being held accountable, to being guided and given work. I didn’t consider myself to be someone who could be motivated enough to get up every day and do it for myself. I imagined myself putting everything off all the time and watching daytime TV. After all whilst I was on maternity I did a lot of this, along with snoozing and living in my tracky b’s.

For a while I ignore the nagging thoughts in my mind that there must be more to life, that having kids surely didn’t mean this was the end of me as an individual person, that in fact it wasn’t true that after kids you stayed home, or got a 3 day a week local job that gave zero satisfaction apart from money at the end of the month!

I realised that I wanted more

I had worked for years, building up my experience, being really good at what I did. Every job I’d ever really wanted I had got. I wanted to feel valued again, my self-worth was plummeting fast and I was beginning to lose belief in myself. That I could even be anything more than a mum.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my children. They are without doubt the best thing that ever happened to me and I wanted to be with them. My mum guilt at this point was also high. I’d wanted children for so long and now I had them, I still wanted more! I began to question why? I started to believe that I was ungrateful and I was wrong for wanting more. I come from a childhood where you get what you’re given and asking for more was a definite no, so my limiting beliefs kicked in and as a result I put off doing anything.

Instead, I started applying for local part-time jobs in schools, estate agents and any other local company looking for part-time staff. I had zero success. I had always been really employable, but here I was 38 with two young children and all of a sudden no-one was coming back to me, no-one was interested! I couldn’t work out why and my self-belief hit a new low!

They were right. Everything I’d been told as I’d grown up was true. When I’d worked in recruitment for a short while, my boss had even said “employers look for women under 30, because they know shortly after that they’ll be looking to have kids and then they’ll be a liability” and those words ran through my mind. I was destined to struggle and settle for whatever was coming and I was to stay on the merry go around forever wondering what if!!!

Then one day, when I was feeling particularly BLAH about it all, I spoke to my dad about what my friend had said that day about doing it for myself. My dad had run his own IT business for 10 years, and he asked me ‘what have you got to lose?’ And he was right. I had absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.

3 months later I was in business!! I could hardly believe it. I’d done it. I’d gone for it and I was doing it.

I was massively out of my comfort zone. I had no idea what networking was, I’d heard of a business plan but the thought of having one seemed way too grown up for me. I’d never considered myself the BOSS before and although I came from a media and PR background, marketing myself was scary as hell. I come from a ‘children should be seen a not heard’ background. The one where going to a restaurant meant being quiet and sitting perfectly still. How on earth was I going to put myself out there. Telling people to work with me because I am brilliant at what I do was a huge stumbling block – again my conditioning was ‘not to show off’ no-one wants to hear about that’ the list goes on.

I loved being in business though. I was already enjoying being my own boss, making my own decisions and the feeling of being a proper valued adult again!

I learnt so much in my first year. The biggest thing I learnt was that my purpose was not what I was doing. The real Faye was a problem solver. The girl everyone goes to when they have a problem. The friend who’s always there to rationalise and help people think differently. I was destined to take a different path,

so I embarked on my own journey. I had always been a bit of a negative Nelly, my whole life. Critical and quick to jump in with a reason not to do something. I was very cautious and risk taking was never for me. Cue that conditioning again.

I started by asking my friends to describe me in 3 words and they came back with, good listener, loyal, always there, voice of reason etc. And all of these matched what I already knew, so I took a leap of faith again. This was all so unlike me, and I enrolled in my Coaching training and not only did this take me on my own mindset journey, it also gave me the skills, knowledge and qualifications to help others do the same and I’ve never looked back!

My journey is on going and as a result I have even more qualifications, more than I ever achieved at school. School wasn’t for me!

I now regularly step out of my comfort zone. Remember I lived here for years, keeping myself stuck in fear. Living the what if life!! I am now more positive Patsy then negative Nelly. I still live in the what if, only now it’s what if it works, what if I can…..and as a result my business is going from strength to strength. I am now fully in alignment with myself and my business is fully aligned with the life I want to create for myself and my family.

If my story resonates with you. If you want to fully align yourself with who you’re meant to be or you’re in business, but just not getting where you want to be, let’s have a chat. 

 

When you’re battling your own Self Worth

Anxiety and Me

Recently, I have suffered with a strong bout of anxiety. Due to a couple of events happening that have been accumulating to create the anxiety I experienced. Most people who generally don’t suffer with anxiety or recognise their own anxiety think that anxiety looks like chaos. They think it tends to be when people are acting chaotic, all over the place and up in the air or loud, but this is so often, not the case at all.

There are those who suffer and it shows externally and those who suffer and become withdrawn as a result and hide it internally.

When there’s too much going on

For me, there has been a lot going on recently with family, running a business, working with vulnerable teenagers, being a mum, being a wife and juggling the whole thing. Over the last month, I’ve been up and down from the hospital to see my dad who had major surgery. The journey to the hospital was an hour and then another hour back. My visiting times, a couple of hours at a time two or three times a week. This has been both mentally and physically exhausting. Even though you don’t think about it at the time, you get on with it and do what you’ve got to do.

On top of that, I’ve been trying to keep things as normal as possible. I’ve been doing a huge amount of work on myself and I have been investing in myself and my business heavily since the beginning of this year.

Working with vulnerable teenagers

I’ve been working with vulnerable teenagers since last September and sometimes that can be very challenging, although extremely rewarding. In the last month things have started to really get on top of me. My self-care hasn’t been as good as it should be, because I’ve been working on so many other areas.

Well this week. My dad came out of hospital after a month and the relief, as you can imagine, brought its own anxieties and emotions. Along with that, I made a mistake at the college, which ordinarily in isolation wasn’t that bad, but where everything else has been going on my mind decided to take this mistake, blow it massively out of proportion, get myself in a place where I was in tears. I got really emotional about it and couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

I went into college the next day, and I totally withdrew. I’ve taken time to recognise the fact that I was in this place of anxiety and to recognise how my anxiety affects me and how I deal with it around others. This is the first time I have fully been aware of my behaviour when in a state of anxiety, but as a result I can deal with it better using the techniques and strategies I have in my Coaching and CBT toolbox.

Recognising my own anxiety behaviours

I realised that I totally withdraw. I become very quiet, loud noise is something that I just can’t deal with. I can’t tolerate people talking about other people or bragging about themselves. I get super sensitive and I totally shut down anything external whilst I’m dealing with what’s going on inside my head.

Now this used to last for weeks or months until I worked out my own strategies for dealing with it.  I now use the ‘accept, allow and let go’ strategy.

Firstly, I accept that I’m in this emotion and I have this feeling and this is what’s going on. I don’t try and fight it anymore. I accept it. I then allow myself. 24, hours to have the feeling, be comfortable with the feeling and work out how to separate the facts of what’s happened from the emotions I’m feeling.

After I’ve done that, I then make sure I go and do something for myself, whether it’s going to the gym and going for a run. I find running is great for me It just gets rid of all that negative energy.

Sometimes it’s whilst I’m running and sometimes it’s after, and if there is something particularly going on I will cry for the next few days for what feels like no reason at all, but this is my body’s way of getting rid of all the negative energy that I’ve been storing up.

After that. I’m ready to go again. And by doing that, I am able to let go so much quicker than I used to.

Talking about the taboo

If I’m completely honest, If you’d asked me years ago if I suffered from anxiety I would have told you DEFINITELY NOT. I never would have admitted that I suffered from anything let alone something that people consider a taboo subject.

I truly believe that everybody suffers with anxiety, at some point, in some form, to some level. It’s just whether we recognise that that’s what it is, whether we’re ready to accept it, and whether we’re ready to put the strategies in place in order for us to manage these feelings and be able to deal with them and move forward.

So, with that in mind, please remember that somebody may be suffering right now. Somebody may have withdrawn. Somebody may be very quiet. Somebody may be the complete opposite. Because the opposite to that is that somebody may become louder than usual. They may become more erratic. You may feel like they’re just seeking attention. This is all part of how they’re feeling and how their anxiety may have taken hold. Some people feel a stronger need for control, as they don’t feel in control of their thoughts and emotions, so they project externally on to others.

They may not even recognise that’s what’s happening to them. So be kind. If somebody that you know, somebody you work with, live with, are friends with is showing either of these signs or emotions, just check in with them. Find out if they’re OK. Offer them someone to talk to.

I had somebody at the college this week, who I get along very well with, we understand each other really well and we know when something’s not quite right and she’s been amazing. This week, she’s checked in on me. She’s made sure I’m OK. She’s given me a bit of a talking to. The same talking to the I would give her if she was in the same situation.

We all need support

We all need support and sometimes that support comes from people that you don’t necessarily expect it to straight away.

We all need to look after each other, be more open with our own feelings and what we’re going through, because you will be surprised where that support may come from.

If you feel like you might need help with anxiety, if you need some strategies and techniques to help you manage it, I’m always happy to have a chat.

I offer a 30-minute clarity call where I can give you a strategy straight away to help you begin to manage those more difficult days.

Please don’t suffer in silence.

Book your call here

Is It Really Possible To Think Yourself Happy?

Is It Really Possible To Think Yourself Happy?

Believe it or not, it is within your power to create positive thoughts allowing you to accomplish anything you set out to do.

Can you really think yourself happy?

The answer is a qualified YES. Here are the ways in which positive thoughts can help you accomplish so many things in life.

Positive thoughts give positive results. We can either accept our situation, or we can change it. We can be negative about an event or we can be positive. President Lincoln once said, “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

If you really want to think yourself happy, then make up your mind to do so. It may be difficult to think happy in a world filled with hatred,violence, stresses and anxieties. But it’s definitely not impossible. One person, one idea, one positive thought can change everything.

How, then, can we make ourselves happy?

By being a constant reminder to others that there is goodness in the world!

Here are 12 examples of way we can create our own happiness;

* Seek out positive people to associate ourselves with.
* Expose yourself to all the wonderful books, music and movies available.
* Find the one important thing in your life that’s important, and pursue it.
* Show kindness and respect towards others.
* Live life as if every day is your last.
* Use positive reinforcement wherever and whenever you can.
* Use visualization methods to view the positive aspects of life.
* Speak in a positive tone.
* Gain control over your negative thinking patterns.
* Let your expectations reflect your positive attitude.
* Allow peace of mind to engulf you.
* Become your own best friend.

Your happiness is not the responsibility of your parents, friends, partners or children. Your happiness is your responsibility. You are the creator of your own life.

IT ALL STARTS WITH YOU!

If you need any help creating better, healthier thoughts, behaviours or emotions to move yourself towards success you book your FREE Discovery Call or take a look at the services we offer here. Using the FLOAT system we take our clients from Chaos to Calm in both life and business and help you to create the success you deserve.

How to Create More Powerful Habits

How to Create More Powerful Habits

We humans are creatures of habit. We have evolved over thousands of years to like routine, to like predictability and to become ingrained in a certain series of events.

Most of us therefore have a routine that we pretty much follow every single day. Maybe you start your day by waking up, making breakfast, having a shower, getting dressed and then watching the news for 10 minutes with a cup of coffee before running out the door.

This is no coincidence. This comes down to the entire way we are hardwired. The way our brains work and the way our biology operates. Repeating the same actions or thoughts over and over again essentially means that we are repeatedly using the same neuronal pathways and causing the same connections to light up and fire.

If you repeat one action followed by another often enough, they will become so ingrained as to become automatic and beyond our conscious control. We call this a ‘habit loop’ which consists of 3 phases; The trigger, the behaviour and the reward.

In short, the more we repeat the same behaviour over and over, the harder it is for us to change that behaviour.

If the behaviour in question involves smoking, then this is bad news. But if the behaviour involves going to the gym, then it’s great news. I have done some form of exercise since I was 7 years old. That’s when I took up gymnastics and trained 3 times a week. (I’m 45 this year). That means that I’ve been doing something consistently for 38 years. As you might expect, I now find it almost impossible to not do any form of exercise. I love working out in one way or another, it’s a part of who I am.

In other words, harnessing the power of habit can be a powerful tool in helping you to get whatever you want from life:

Often you will read that the best way to create a new habit is to repeat that action for thirty days. If you can do that, then eventually you will have ingrained the behaviour deeply enough that you will be able to keep it up.

This makes it a little easier setting your goals around creating a new habit. If you know that you want to exercise first thing in the morning for thirty days only, then that can be easier to get your head around than thinking you have to do it forever.

A good tip for creating a new habit is to attach it to your old habits and your surroundings. So, if you want to create a habit of flossing your teeth, then the obvious option is to attach this to a habit you already stick to such as brushing your teeth!

Likewise, if you want to get into the habit of ironing your shirts, pick a specific point in the day for it to come after – such as making your morning tea.

This works because it connects the new behaviour to old ones inside your brain. You have a network of neurons that fire whenever you make your morning tea. Now, when that network of neurons fire, they should also cause the new network – the ironing shirts network to light up. The two are now connected.

This also works on a practical level: you need to find a convenient time for your new habit to take place and you need to find a convenient time and place in which to do it. You need to know that said time and place is always going to be convenient.

I wanted to take up meditation a while back for example as a regular part of my routine. I struggled at first because there always seemed to be more important things to be doing and I could never find the right time. So, what I did was to attach my meditation session to my morning routine. I started setting my alarm for half hour earlier (I used to need a few snoozes) and after a while I was able to get up and fit my meditation in before I did anything else. It’s now ingrained and part of my day.

One action is a habit but if you string these together, then you have a routine.

Looking at the practical aspect of stringing habits together and knowing where you will be and what time it will be when you do that thing is incredibly important for accomplishing goals. If you can build a routine for yourself that contains multiple good habits, then you’ll find that you massively enhance your likelihood of success in all areas.

Creating a routine is a powerful way to accomplish your goals.

You can learn more about creating more powerful habits in our Personal Transformation Mastery self-study course.

If you need any help creating better, healthier habits to move you towards success you can email me or take a look at the services we offer here. Using the FLOAT system we take our clients from Chaos to Calm in both life and business and help you to create the success you deserve.

Here’s Why Everything You Say Matters

Here’s Why Everything You Say Matters

Have you ever spoken unkindly to someone? Did the words profoundly affect that person? Words are powerful; and when they are used to hurt someone, they can be devastating. The words you speak and the things you say do have a huge affect not only on yourself, but others as well. What you say really does matter.

Have you ever called yourself stupid, dumb, idiot? Have you berated yourself in front of the mirror because you feel fat or ugly? Do you realise that every word you say is being processed by your subconscious mind and buries itself there? It then begins to seep into your conscious self and your feelings of self-worth begin to disappear.

What you say ultimately translates into your personal belief. If you say to yourself, “I’m not very good at tennis,” you will never succeed in that sport. You are setting up a defeatist attitude even before you begin. When you begin a thought or a sentence with a negative word, your expectations can never be realised.

So too, you may call someone an idiot. While you may apologise, the word has already been spoken; you can’t take it back. The person on the receiving end of the insult may take it to heart, and can be changed forever. We live in a world where words are used to attack, cajole, embrace, nurture, disengage, provoke and inspire. We not only hurt ourselves, we hurt others as well. Anger, frustration, and disappointment contribute to the misuse of words. Even though the aftermath of unkind words are realised, we still do it. Perhaps the old adage is true, “If you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

It is important to realise the affect that words have on us. Whether we mean to say them or not, said often enough they can transform the very essence of who we are. Children are especially vulnerable to words. Yet, we continue to use unkind and often insensitive words as a disciplinary measure. Eventually, they grow up with low self-esteem, or painfully shy, or feel they’re not worth anything at all.

The next time you speak, think about the words you are about to use. Choose them wisely when speaking to your peers, and cautiously when speaking to children. Understand that one word can positively or negatively affect someone’s life; even your own.

I talk a lot about this subject in my business and with ALL my clients. How you communicate with others and yourself is vital to creating a successful life and business. If you’d like to find out more please email me.